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STARGATE OPERATIONS: • View topic - Humor
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Humor

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Thunderduck

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Airman First Class
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Posts: 16

Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 4:58 pm

Post Sat May 12, 2012 9:28 pm

Re: Humor

Mechanized Infantry.
"Go put air in this road wheel".
"Go to Commo and get a bottle of squelch oil"
"Go to maintenance and get some brake fluid for the Muzzle Brake (On a Bradley).
"Go to Commo and get batteries for the field phone"
"My happy place is a wasteland".
"Never turn your back on other than a dead or destroyed enemy".
<<

merlin

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Posts: 1630

Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:51 am

Location: New Port Richey, Florida

Post Thu Jun 07, 2012 11:08 am

Re: Humor

While crossing the street on base, wearing his duty woodlands, a private was almost hit by a car driven by a base wife. "Sorry, I didn't see you" she exclaimed. Looking down at his attire, he replied "that's sort of the point isn't it". True story.
Last edited by merlin on Thu Dec 06, 2012 1:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
LTC. Robb Wells (Merlin)
CO:SG- Prometheus
SG-SOCOM
SG-Operations: The Home Base of Stargate Fandom
CO:Team Prometheus Airsoft
Owner: Symweap Airsoft
" Beware Merlin, for he knows all things by the Devil's craft "
<<

Overlord

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Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 9:45 pm

Location: Albany, NY USA

Post Thu Jun 07, 2012 1:04 pm

Re: Humor

These last two postings were really funny! :lol: :D 8)
Capt. Thomas M. Gorman
CO, UNSGO
Royal Marine Commandos, UNSGO
SGC
SG-Operations: The Home Base of Stargate Fandom

"He that ruleth over men must be just." II Samuel, XXIII
<<

Zathras

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Location: North Lauderdale, Florida

Post Sun Jul 01, 2012 1:53 pm

Re: Humor

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams, I love you.' then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:

The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,



"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
LT Becky Brett
"Zathras"

10th SFS Tau'ri Furies
<<

Andromeda

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Captain
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Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2007 4:15 pm

Location: Spartanburg, SC

Post Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:58 pm

Re: Humor

And none of them were wearing panties! lol
Capt. Elizabeth Bryans
SG-Shadow Hunters
SG-SOCOM
SG-Operations: The Home Base of Stargate Fandom

Well, excuse me for being a mere mortal. - Heero Yuy

<<

Zathras

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Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2010 10:54 am

Location: North Lauderdale, Florida

Post Wed Aug 08, 2012 9:42 pm

Re: Humor

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you "

The man asked, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse "

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."
LT Becky Brett
"Zathras"

10th SFS Tau'ri Furies
<<

Preacher

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Major
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Joined: Tue Mar 09, 2010 1:46 pm

Location: Lawrenceville, GA

Post Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:32 pm

Re: Humor

To a rookie (probie):

Okay we might have issue with this 1 and 3/4 line....Go get me a water hammer...

wait one hour
go find rookie pulling hair out in the corner
Bvt Maj. Joey Bruner
CO, S6 - Communications
SG Shadow Hunters - XO
SG-SOCOM
SG-Operations: The Home Base of Stargate Fandom

Image
<<

Zathras

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2nd Lieutenant
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Posts: 2139

Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2010 10:54 am

Location: North Lauderdale, Florida

Post Thu Dec 06, 2012 11:57 am

Re: Humor

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate
from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine
man living on a nearby reservation who
was rumored to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man,
and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only
a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and
you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes
and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end
our sentences with a preposition,
because we could end up with
LT Becky Brett
"Zathras"

10th SFS Tau'ri Furies
<<

merlin

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Lt. Colonel
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Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:51 am

Location: New Port Richey, Florida

Post Mon Dec 10, 2012 6:16 pm

Re: Humor

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you, sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000.
The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, Billings, Montana.'
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings.'
'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'
LTC. Robb Wells (Merlin)
CO:SG- Prometheus
SG-SOCOM
SG-Operations: The Home Base of Stargate Fandom
CO:Team Prometheus Airsoft
Owner: Symweap Airsoft
" Beware Merlin, for he knows all things by the Devil's craft "
<<

merlin

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Lt. Colonel
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Posts: 1630

Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:51 am

Location: New Port Richey, Florida

Post Mon Dec 10, 2012 6:58 pm

Re: Humor

The Italian Fire Department ..

One dark night in the small town in Garfield, NJ,
a fire started inside the local sausage factory.
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared
on the scene, the sausage company president
rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our
secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the
center of the plant. They have to be saved,
so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company
that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in
because the situation became desperate. As the
firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to
extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000
to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard
as another fire truck came into sight. It was the
fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ. The volunteer
fire department composed mainly of Italian
firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down
fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters,
passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and
drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement
as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to
fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their
own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers
had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully
announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment
he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked
over to personally thank each of the brave elderly
Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event
on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian
fire chief,
'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli,the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna
do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
LTC. Robb Wells (Merlin)
CO:SG- Prometheus
SG-SOCOM
SG-Operations: The Home Base of Stargate Fandom
CO:Team Prometheus Airsoft
Owner: Symweap Airsoft
" Beware Merlin, for he knows all things by the Devil's craft "
<<

Zathras

User avatar

2nd Lieutenant
2nd Lieutenant

Posts: 2139

Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2010 10:54 am

Location: North Lauderdale, Florida

Post Wed Dec 12, 2012 9:26 am

Re: Humor

The Priests Rooster

The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.

He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.

The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.

"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.

"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.
LT Becky Brett
"Zathras"

10th SFS Tau'ri Furies
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